Observations

As I danced, I closed my eyes, and attempted to lose myself in the sweaty sway of the crowd. I thought, is this something everyone experiences? Does everyone long to obliterate the self in a sea of others, to feel connected to someone -- anyone -- to feel like they are part of a tidal force? Or this something that separates us: those who want to abandon themselves, and those who do not?

Amongst other observations on the topic of marriage, tonight I realized that it serves a pragmatic function, simply in terms of providing a sustainable dating scene. Every single person is dating, but no one is married. The pressure to marry is a pressure to put up or shutup. Everyone is a holding pattern; the singles world is like a parking lot where everyone might be leaving at any moment.

After a super stressful day of finishing two papers and an illustration only to have them in before 5 PM the same day, I came home last night to finish up a stencil for a painting that I had committed to doing the following morning. I didn't finish cutting until 5:30 this morning, slept until 7:30, and promptly went to Mac and Charlie's/Gusto to get to work. I started at 9 AM, finished at about 2 PM.


Despite not having eaten all day, and despite the fact that I'm running on what can barely even be described as fumes, today was remarkably therapeutic. I haven't completed a painting on my own accord since the end of September (two days before I lost my job, actually), and to be able to take my own time, work on my own accord, and have absolutely nothing else of pressing importance to distract me was...remarkable, really. It is the first time in weeks that I've felt anything near normal. My stomach hurts, I'm tired, and I feel worn out and broken down. But this is progress.

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